I asked.She promised.Nothing changed.
Five months of our WhatsApp chat, from 2 June to 2 November, with every quote exactly as it was written.
In 30 seconds
The whole story, in five facts.
4 June, our first call
One line, understood two ways.
This is the line that has been misunderstood more than any other.
“I’m always working. I want a partner who pulls me out of it sometimes.”
“I can do that.”
Not that she should interrupt my work every day. If I get too caught up in work and stop making time for her, she can tell me, or reach out, and I will put her first. A bond only forms when both people reach out.
“When you have work to finish and someone keeps interrupting you or pulling you away, it might become annoying… I don’t think it should become my responsibility to pull you out of work every single time.”
I asked for “sometimes”. She heard “every single time”. The real issue was never interruptions. It was that she almost never reached out at all.
If she felt this way, she could have told me on our first call: “I don’t think it’s my responsibility to pull you out of work.” I would have explained what I meant, or we would not have gone ahead. Instead she said “I can do that.” In our chat, she raised it for the first time on 1 November, five months later, after our engagement.
Before the engagement
I asked, clearly and gently. She assured me.
I even asked her to tell me if it was too much, before we went ahead.
She reached out on her own, and I was so happy. It showed me she can initiate when she wants to.
No call came. I broke the silence myself, three days later, on 30 July.
Every time I raised this, I was reassured, and when she messaged my family after our visit, I believed she could reach out. That is why I kept going. Now I’m being asked why I never told her. I still don’t understand her intentions, and that is why my trust is broken.
After the engagement, 14 October
Every promise, and what actually happened.
Select a card to see what followed, or switch them all at once.
The chances I gave after the engagement
- 25 OctAfter nine days of silence, I reached out first.
- 28 OctI apologised in writing for my sarcasm on our call.
- 31 OctI proposed counselling, for her parents’ sake, so we could understand each other with help.
- 1 NovWhen she asked for time until mid-November, I agreed, and wrote down clearly what I needed and what I would do from my side.
- 2 NovI found a counsellor, and agreed to wait until she was back from the festival.
Measured across the whole chat
One person reaching. One person replying.
81 of our 154 days had no contact at all. Here is who did what.
How I counted: a conversation starts when someone messages after at least six hours of silence. A long silence is two days or more with no messages from either of us. Calls aren’t included, only WhatsApp messages.
Why this reached counselling: in five months, she started only 4 conversations on her own, broke 2 of our 21 long silences, and asked how I was about 8 times before our arguments began. Almost everything else came from me.
My plan for our first meeting: “I will check and let you know.” Engagement shopping: “I will check and let you know.” Keeping the wedding simple: “Will talk about this.” The engagement poster I made: “I will check with amma and let you know.”
Between 25 October and 2 November, she wrote long, clear, detailed messages. She can express herself fully. She used it to explain and defend, almost never to connect.
On 12 October I wrote, “Two days to go! I’m sure about us and looking forward to it.” She replied, “Im sure and comfortable thanks !!”. On 30 September she wrote that she was still processing getting engaged, and on 9 October, “I dont feel things much”. Apart from a few warm moments, like “Me toooo !!” after our first call and thanking me for the book I made, she never wrote that she was excited, happy or looking forward to our engagement or our life together.
On 14 October, her only messages were about directions. The next night I wrote, “Yesterday was really special, I enjoyed every bit of it… you were looking really gorgeous… Do send me the photos once you get them.” She replied, “Thank you , take care!!”, and then nothing for nine days. The photos never came. In five months, she never sent me a single photo in our chat.
On 22 September, I heard from my mother that she had already picked up her engagement ring. She hadn’t told me, or sent a photo. When I asked, she said: “Same say traveled back to Bangalore… I was about to tell you.” For something as special as the ring for our own engagement, I hoped she would want to share it with me herself.
On 4 October, the day her mother scolded her, she asked “Can I call??”. On 5 October she asked what matters to me. Neither turned into a lasting change.
Her answers, in her words
The same question, answered ten different ways.
Each time a basic need came up, the reply moved further from what she could do, and closer to who she is.
- 30 Sep“Trust me even im working on it… I know how it feels and sorry for that.”
- 5 Oct“Allow me some time.”
- 9 Oct“I dont feel things much, i take everything normally.”
- 27 Oct“I don’t want to keep expecting things and then feel hurt… I may or may not be that person.”
- 28 Oct“That’s why I usually say I’ll text you first to check if you’re available.”
- 30 Oct“This is simply my personality… I need you to understand and accept that this is how I am.”
- 1 Nov“I don’t want to force myself to do something that doesn’t come naturally to me. That’s how I am.”
- 1 Nov“Whenever I say I’ll text you, I’ve always made sure to do that.”
- 2 Nov“I had already been quite clear about my nature from the beginning.”
- 3 NovTo my sister: “If I had texted or talked even once in those ten days, this wouldn’t have happened.”
Who I am
What I need, and what I’ve seen.
These aren’t complaints about her. They’re who I am, set against what actually happened. I can’t know what she feels inside, only what she shows.
Someone who reaches out, sometimes
- I need
- I run two companies and work around 14 hours a day. I need a partner who pulls me out of it now and then.
- What I’ve seen
- She replied, but rarely reached out first. 4 conversations of her own in five months, all practical, none just to talk.
- So
- I would always be the one driving, and slowly get drained.
Care I can actually see
- I need
- Care shown in small actions: a message, a call, a check-in.
- What I’ve seen
- Very little care shown in small actions, and no answer on whether she feels a bond with me.
- So
- I would always be unsure where I stand.
Clear follow-through
- I need
- A clear answer, even if it’s “not today”.
- What I’ve seen
- 16 times “I’ll let you know”, and 0 times coming back to it on her own.
- So
- I would spend my life waiting and following up.
Curiosity, and talking about us
- I need
- A partner who asks about my day and talks about our future.
- What I’ve seen
- She rarely asked about me, and rarely spoke about “us”.
- So
- We would live side by side, not together.
Being able to ask, safely
- I need
- When something matters to me, to say it and have it heard.
- What I’ve seen
- “This is simply my personality… accept that this is how I am.”
- So
- Every need of mine would turn into a conflict.
Balance
- I need
- The middle. My first relationship was too much contact. This one is too little.
- What I’ve seen
- 81 of 154 days with no contact, and 2 of 21 silences broken by her.
- So
- I would be stuck at the opposite extreme again.
Effort that comes back
- I need
- I show love through effort: a plan for our first meeting, a website, a book, a poster, travelling 600 km for her birthday.
- What I’ve seen
- Her replies to these were brief, often “I will check and let you know”.
- So
- I would keep giving into silence.
A partner through samsara sagara
- I need
- Someone who walks with me through life, holds me up as I hold her, and is warm with my family.
- In her words
- She’s marrying because it’s a part of life, values her personal space, and has no particular expectations from me.
- So
- We would want different marriages.
To be fair
What I own, and what I see in her.
What I own
- On our call on 26 October, I was sarcastic. I called her cold and said she wouldn’t feel anything anyway. I didn’t shout, but my voice became intense, after weeks of waiting for promises that hadn’t come through. I understand it felt like shouting to her, and I apologised in writing on 28 October.
- When I felt distant, I sent too many long, heavy messages in a short time.
To be fair to her
She wasn’t avoiding me. She usually replied within about half an hour, and she was warm in a few moments, like “It was very nice to meet your family”, and thanking me for the book I made her. The pattern isn’t coldness. It’s that she responds, but doesn’t reach towards me.
Going deeper
Why I have serious doubts.
Open any of these for the full reasoning.
Did I tell her before the engagement? Yes.
- 4 June: a partner who pulls me out of work sometimes. She said, “I can do that.”
- 26 July, in person at her home: I can’t be the only one who starts things, she should also reach out sometimes.
- 20 September: a weekly call, both of us initiating. “What do you think?”
- 27 September: both of us take initiative, and let each other know if plans change.
- 30 September: I asked whether it was too much, and said I’d rather know before the engagement. She said she was working on it.
- 5 October: she asked what matters to me, and I listed it. She asked for some time.
- 9 and 12 October: “Yeah,” and “Im sure and comfortable.”
Why she now says I never told her
My understanding, not something she has said.
- She remembers our first call, where I said I don’t like too much talking, more than the many clear messages that came after it.
- She now has to answer her family’s questions. “He never told me” is easier to explain than “I said I was working on it, and didn’t.”
- It’s easier to see this as a communication gap than a difference in nature. But the record shows I asked many times, and she agreed each time.
Why my trust is broken
- Each time I raised this, I was reassured, and she showed on 26 July that she can reach out. That is what made me continue.
- Her assurances before the engagement didn’t hold after it.
- Her explanation kept moving, from “im working on it” to “this is how I am” to “you never told me”.
- The most important question, whether she feels a bond with me, is still unanswered.
Why I don’t think this will work
- The basics had to be asked for. When there’s a bond, people reach out because they want to.
- Even gentle requests were met with “this is how I am”, so there is no safe way to ask for anything.
- She can be open and playful with old friends. With me, I rarely saw her feelings.
- She is marrying because it is a part of life. For me, marriage is a partnership through samsara sagara.
- I’ve lived both extremes now. I need the middle.
Why I doubt counselling will change this
- Counselling can improve how two people talk. It can’t create the wish to be close, or change what someone believes marriage is for.
- She said: “I don’t think there is anything wrong with me, and I don’t feel that I need counselling.” People rarely change what they don’t see as a problem.
- What is basic for me is a daily stretch for her nature. Neither of us would be happy.
- If we do go, I will go honestly, with an open mind. But I don’t expect it to change these things. I agreed to it for her parents’ sake.
My decision
One last chance, for her parents.
I only waited this long because of her assurances. I trusted them, and kept giving chances, even after our engagement.
She feels I read disinterest into her words. But it was her actions over these months, not my imagination, that made me feel this way.
I’m not writing this to beg her to stay. I showed her a bond, and I expect the same in return. Without it, I don’t want that kind of relationship in my life.
I proposed counselling for one reason: her mother and father. I have met them, and they are kind, innocent people who don’t deserve this pain. This one last chance is for them. If it weren’t for them, I would not have wanted to continue.
If counselling brings a real, lasting change, I am open to it. If it doesn’t, I will end this calmly and respectfully, through our families.
“Ultimately, I shouldn’t need to tell her any of this. What I want is an unspoken bond, where these things simply happen because we both feel it. I’m writing them down only so it’s never said that I didn’t tell her.”
I asked for a simple wedding only because my father isn’t with us. That never meant I wanted a simple, distant relationship. A bond, care and affection, shown in action, especially when I need it most, is what I need in my partner.
Everyday connection
- She reaches out on her own, a few times a week, without being reminded.
- She’s curious about me: she asks about my day, my work, my health and how I’m feeling, the way I ask about hers.
- She thinks and speaks as “we”, not only “I”: our plans, our home, our future, our decisions.
- She shares her own day, her joys and her worries, so I’m part of her life.
- When she says she’ll call or get back to me, she does, or tells me she can’t.
- We have one proper call a week, and she starts it some of the time.
- She makes time for us, even when busy, and sometimes pulls me out of work.
- She shows care in small actions, like checking on me when I’m unwell or stressed, and remembering what matters to me.
- She tells me what she feels and needs, so I don’t have to guess, and when something bothers her, she tells me calmly instead of going quiet.
- She makes me feel wanted and chosen, not just tolerated.
A life together
- Trust and honesty, even when it’s uncomfortable.
- Respect, especially when we disagree.
- When something matters to one of us, we listen and work it out together, instead of “this is how I am”.
- We repair after a fight, without holding grudges or going silent.
- Loyalty, and being on each other’s side, in front of everyone.
- Warmth with each other’s families.
- Shared values: faith, family, money, children and how we want to live.
- Teamwork in running our home and making decisions.
- Supporting each other’s growth: career, health and dreams.
- Affection and closeness.
- Friendship and fun, enjoying life together, not just managing it.
And above all
- She answers honestly whether she feels a bond with me.
- It lasts, not just for a few weeks.
“We”, and “I”
I understand we both need our own individuality. It’s part of why we liked each other in the first place. But when two people choose to be together, it should be “we” first, and then “I”. In a real “we”, each of us supports the other’s “I”: her space, her trips and her dreams, and mine. She never has to fear losing herself with me. I would never want that.
What hurt was the order. On 27 October she wrote about continuing her solo trips and her personal space, and that “we don’t necessarily have to include each other in everything”. If she had said, “I want us to travel together, and I’d also love some trips of my own,” I would have happily supported it. But hearing “I” before any “we” left me feeling like an outsider in my own relationship. Anyone would feel that way.
Everything on this list, I’m ready to give her too. And with the right person, none of it would ever need to be said.
Either way, I wish her well.